Revised about twice based on people's suggestions. Tell me what ya think ^_^
***
Outside, the rain pounded loudly against the window of the dark room. "The warmth of the fireplace heated up the large room, and the light from it bounced off a lone figure standing by the window." The shadows on the window from the raindrops outside bounced across Cerinia's face, as she slowly came back from a vision.
...A lone man stood by a cluster of trees, staring at her. She was dressed in a black, billowing dress that framed her figure beautifully. His eyes took in every detail of her body, and landed on her eyes, which sparkled a dark, pretty green. There, his glare captured hers, and she felt trapped, but was content with this feeling. After a moment, the wind swirled around her, blowing her hair into her eyes. When it had grown calm, there was no man standing anywhere. She wandered around, finding nothing but a necklace hanging on a branch of a nearby tree. An emerald gem swung from a golden chain and, taking a second look at it, it seemed as though a scene moved through it; Satan's daughter was standing on what looked like a battle field, as she conjured a ball of fire in her palm. At a second glance, the vision was passed off as just a trick of the light.
Cerinia left the window and walked outside, embracing the cold, biting air. As she looked up into the clouds, a flash exploded, embracing the entire sky. Once it came to a calming, she looked down, and saw a man standing by a tree, the same man that was in her vision. She looked down at herself and gasped. She was wearing the same black dress as she was in her vision. His eyes raked over her body, and stopped on her eyes. There, he stared into them, and all she could see was his; a raging storm in the sea. His eyes were so shocking, that she couldn't make herself look away. The dark blue, the depth and storminess of them, captured her. Embraced her. Until she felt as though it were pulling her in. When he looked away, smiling slightly, to look at how her dress outlined her every curve, she noticed how close she suddenly was. She was standing about ten feet away now, when she was about a half a mile away before. Cerinia looked up into his face, noticing how his dark hair brought out his eyes more. The feeling which rose upward in her, left her confused. It was as though his very fingers were embracing a part of her that was never touched. When he looked up and noticed how she was looking at him, he smiled at her and walked away.
Cerinia blinked, turning toward the direction where he disappeared, and it was then, that she noticed the weight pressed upon her chest. She looked down and realized she was wearing a necklace. The exact same necklace as she was wearing in her vision...
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Here is Chapter Two:
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,856 Reviews
Hiya, Classy here for a review!
So, your story makes me want more. I'm not sure yet if it is the quality of your writing or the base of your story that does this. I will have to read more to figure it out. Only one thing bugged me, which is god because I like to pick out flaws:
Your opening statement should be the part that draws people in. The short and awkward sentences here turned me off to reading this. You should be happy I'm in a good mood! And good job at keeping a nice flow after this. Okay, here I go:
Red alert! I don't know what you were thinking here. This is how I think it should look:
"The warmth of the fireplace heated up the large room, and the light from it bounced off a lone figure standing by the window." or something like that.
Random much? Ha ha. First you need to describe how the view went from inside to outside. And I just think you should delete this. I realize you are trying to be poetic and brilliant, but it just sounds weird.
I realize what you are talking about here, but some of your readers might now. Explain why the animal is getting a shower, please. Also, you say 'lone' the sentence before!
Again, an odd and random transition from inside to outside. You could have easily split this paragraph into two beautiful ones. Describing the inside and out. Also, the comma after 'face' should be deleted. And, from a vision? I thought she was in a dream? Hm...
-keep writing
~Classy
I like this piece, it intrigues me. I think you can replace some of the she's with the girls name though, it might make a very good rythem to the piece but that's just me. Keep writing and I can't wait to see how the plot unfolds.
You're right. Too many The's. I'm going to change that, thanks for the suggestion ^^ I will also take a look at the number of times I use "storm/storminess"
sometimes, when I'm writing, I tend to forget the consistency of the words, and wish only to get the scene in my head (as it rapidly unfolds, one after the other) out of my imaginative mind and onto the site...i was going to say paper, but that doesn't fit, seeing as how I type it out...but you get it, right? =D
thanks again for the review
Gosh
, dec.2? You're newer than I am. Of course I'm sticking around. I want to see this story through the entire process. I'm 17 too. Let's keep in touch.
Very nice. I really enjoyed the description and its natural flow. I have two suggestions. First, in the beginning paragraph you start many sentences with "The." You may want some variation. Second, I love the words you use such as embrace and storm/storminess. It really gives the reader a visual. You might be using them too consistently. I really like your style though, very smooth and mysterious.
thank you. This review just made me want to write more to the story. Hope to see you here again soon
I'll start off saying I'm new to YWS. I haven't done many reviews, so I may not be as helpful as other reviewers. I'll do my best anyway. And... I begin.
I think you should give a small description of the scene she saw.I love this piece. The point of view, the atmosphere, the setting, everything ties in so well together. The writing grabs me, makes me wonder who is this girl? this man? where did the necklace come from? is the girl psychic? I sense danger and I'm curious about it.
You've done well. You've captured the reader's attention. The first step of an author is completed. Now the reader's ready to accept details. Is the girl a high school student who loves drawing and lives in an apartment in New York? Or is she a small town girl who works as a journalist and spends her free time volunteering? You wrote so well that I want to know about her. If I was in the bookstore and I started reading this, I'd keep on reading. Except for a few things about your style (I can't really say what they are because I'm not really sure myself. Maybe more complex and compound-complex sentence structures and some more metaphors and similes will do the trick.), I can believe your story is one that I would find in a bookstore. Provided you know the plot (i.e. you know the secrets of the mystery you're presenting to the reader) and you have strong characters, your story will turn out great. You're on the right path right now.
I don't know how to nit-pick, so I'll leave that for someone else to do. I think the only part I can really point out is this part:
Stick to this story. I want to read it to the end. I want to know that dark-haired,stormy-eyed guy.